The Trials of the Summon
by dmcdyno
Summary: What goes on when they aren't running about fighting peoples' battles for them? I think i might have an idea...  please R'N'R!
1. Chapter 1

_**Hey y'all, this is my very first ever fanfic that ive uploaded, so i desperately need and desire, like everybody else on here, comments and constructive criticisim (seriously, this place is like a crackhouse for word geeks), as im trying my best to be a (half decent) writer when i 'grow up', so cha, i thank you for your time, i hope you enjoy this, and please please please, uhm, live long and prosper? lol **_

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing bar this story, the parodies of the characters personalities created within it and the laptop and brain cells used to think it all up and write it all down lol. Sqaure Enix and the wonderful people who created the Final Fantasy franchise own everything else, including me if they wish (nobuo uematsu, you hottie!)_**

PS: Japan rules. On with the show!

_**The Trials, Tormentation and Tribulations of the Summon**_

:What goes on when they aren't running about fighting peoples' battles for them?

The summon. Be it the earth shattering powers of Titan, the mighty flare of the legendary Bahamut, or the humble kick of the disgruntled Chocobo, these mystical, magical and magnificent creatures are called upon constantly (especially by n00bs) to combat against sometimes equally mighty foes (usually it's normally just a poor little goblin, that hasn't even attacked yet, just sitting there preparing his little sparkly punch while you summon the most powerful forces in the universe to rip his little goblin body apart atom by atom ). In all cases these universally omnipotent divinities (especially divine in the case of the widely feared Chocobo. He has his own freaking fan club, you have NO chance) save the lives of many an adventurer day in and out, defeat sinister fiends of incalculable power and time and again prevent the universal annihilation of the human (elf, dwarf, bangaa, moogles, fat people etc. included) race at the hands of a maniacal dictator.

But what do these Eidolons, these Aeons, these grand protectors do when they are not pulled away from the duties and chores and social interactions of their homeland? I think I might have an idea...

'LEVIATHAN!'

The roar reverberated throughout every vast chamber and hallway of the palace, travelled round every corner of the Millennium Maze, reached every last nook and cranny of the endless lands of the Land of Summons.

Traveling back, the gargantuan outburst could be traced to an equally over-powering figure. The dense, velvet black of the dragon kings immense frame heaved with quickly escalating anger. He glared intently at the scattered remains of his most prized possession with an intensity that, if the laws of physics could allow (or if he could be bothered to put some actual effort into it), would turn back time before the most horrendous incident had occurred.

'My cup…

That was my Cloud cup...

My favorite cup...

I got it for my 3000th birthday from Chocobo...

...

...

...'

' I really liked that cup.'

As the dragon king pawed at the obliterated pieces of hardened clay that used to be Cloud's face and was deciding whether if he could collect all the pieces he might be able to glue them back together to form some semblance of the beauty it once obtained, the dipsy perpetrator of the aforementioned atrocity spawned back in the room.

'YOOOOOOO! TALL, DARK AND KINGLY! S'UPPPP! I just totally wasted this one eyed Cyclops dude with like 3 heads and like 18 million squiggly tentacle things then I totally washed his ass out with this huge ass wave. It was just so, oh dude, like sooo, just, dude, OMG, DUDE!'

The dark winged lord stared with unending contempt towards the serpentine surfing summon.

' SOOOOOOOO, Bahamut. Mr Overlord, Mr Dark Dominator, what's up?'

'...'

'Heyyyy, what's all that mess on the floor dude, man, you should totally hire a cleaner for this place, it needs such a total make over dude, and there wouldn't be so much crap lying all over the place like that'

Bahamut, maintaining his unamused disposition, picked up a shard depicting most of Clouds face and turned it towards Leviathan.

'OOOOOooooooooohhhhhh, so that's what that is. Yeah, I'm totally sorry about that dude, such bad timing y'know? The hazards of being a divine inter-dimensional savior are many hehah'. He thumped Bahamut on the shoulder with his fin in jest.

Bahamut remained fixed in the sphere of his ever dwindling patience.

'Well, I think I hear another Warrior of Light squealing in terror for my assistance, so I'll just be toddling off, to, y'know...assist…them...'

'...'

'WELLBUHBYENOW! #shnazzlepop!#'. Leviathan promptly disappeared into fat air, not without however whipping his tail out in the process resulting in the face smacking of the Dark Winged King of Summons and sending the small depiction of Clouds face flying from his hand, past the balcony and into the infinite depths of the Dark Abyss below.

Bahamut, composing himself and devising an innumerable variety of ways to torture and degrade Leviathan once he returned for the loss of his holy grail of refreshment, paced slowly towards the edge of the balcony and keened over.

'...

...

...

...'

'I really liked that cup.'


	2. Chapter 2

_**Bewbs. That is all.**_

_**Chapter 2**_

The Land of Summons was a place hidden from the rest of existence, a realm of fantasy, myth, legend, and of course, Chocobos. Mad raving Chocobos. Sometimes accompanied by rabid Moogles from the widely feared pom-pom and kupo! Tribes, riding across the vast plains, stealing kupo nuts and waging vanity wars amongst each other over who's the fluffiest or the cutest, involving innocent bystanders in their petty games of greed like they own the place!. They roam and hide all over the Lands, violating resplendent peace as they please and face no prosecution nor consequence for their actions due to the difficulty of finding their sinful bodies over such a large area. And unfortunately, The actual expanse of the Land of Summons has never been recorded because, well, it's the kings duty to record the details of a land, and when asked on the matter King Bahamut has repeatedly stated that he 'just hasn't gotten round to it yet'. We all know he won't. Lazy ass he is, all he does is just sit inside that big ass palace he calls his 'humble abode' all day and buy more of those horrendously expensive 'Final Fantasy Memorabilia' cups! And he tells us he's putting taxes up because the royal depository is low 'due to imperial demand'. Well you know what Bahamut? I got your imperial demand right HE..HEY! GET OFF ME TITAN! NO I'M TELLING THEM THE TRUTH, IT HAS TO GET OUT SOMEHOW! YES I TOOK MY TABLETS AT 2 AND 6! YES I SAW DOCTOR PHOENIX THIS MORNING, NOW GET OFF-NO-LET-GO-DAMN-YOU-THEY HAVE TO FIND OUT SOMEDAY! THE TRUTH WILL GET OUT! LONG Live the eternal flames of truth!…..

'Ahem, we apologize for that interruption. Ifrit can get carried away at times. We would like to state he has been taken away to a very safe facility and is being 'treated' as we speak by our very best (and only) physician. We shall resume normal procedure…..about now'.

_**Back in the Imperial Palace:**_

Bahamut, still mourning the loss of Clouds angelical features set in clay, and having decided that it'd be best if he distracted himself till he forgot about the withering sorrow within him, began reading over the _**Chocobo Times **_in his favorite leather back chair. He preferred the upbeat, good natured news in it, like how a Chocobo recently saved seven Tonberry from eternal depression by replacing their burnt out lanterns with full on Halogen floodlights (perpetually blinding them too, but hey, at least they were happy), than the biting sarcasm and vulgar vanity contained within _**Kupo! News**_, with such 'uplifting stories' as 'Fiery Guardsman committed to Asylum after public outbreak due to jealousy over moogles unparalleled gorgeousness'. Much to his satisfaction, Bahamut was actually getting into the optimism of the newspaper and forgetting his troubles when….

Poof!

Now to all who were there, i.e. just Bahamut, and even with his truly magnificent hearing (he constantly takes pride on the fact he can hear Warriors of Light scream his name twenty billion light years away in completely full clarity, while at the same time his wife scolds him for not picking up the kettle that's been squealing for 15 minutes while he bragged), this sound went completely unnoticed, as did immediately afterward the soft swishing sound that accompanied the landing of a shadowed individual behind Bahamut's chair, who rising slowly and quietly, jumped high over his chair, a volley of exotic twirls and flips ensuing, landing directly in front of the dark winged Overlord, his sword drawn in a ready stance, while the room suddenly exploded into a flurry of white and black.

Bahamut, twitching, peered up from the remains of his newspaper, a small, perfectly square slit in his left claw, and met the intruders gaze.

'Master', the cloaked individual greeted, sheathing his sword and bowing low.

Bahamut glared at the figure, looked back down at his now empty hands, still in the positions he had them for holding his paper, and then returned his focus back to the person who had disrupted his very happy and non grieving thoughts.

The cloaked creature appeared confused. 'Master? Is there something the matter?'

'My newspaper…..You destroyed my newspaper'

'It was an emergency, Master'

'But…you could've just asked me to put it down…..'

'Master, this is no time for triviality, there is a serious situation at hand'

'I only wanted to finish that last piece…I was going to find out what happened to the baby Chocobo after it had saved the world, but nooooooo, Mr Choppity-Chopper had to come out of nowhere and cut it into confetti! Well, I guess at least now I don't have to buy party decorations for Neos' birthday..'

'MASTER!'

'Yes, yes, what's the situation, Yojimbo?'

'A terrible plague has come into our land. An evil so foul, nature wilts under its presence, the skies darken wherever it travels! Nothing but Hurricanes and dry lakes follow in its wake! Its only companions are death and misery! It is said that Armageddon itself fears the day it will encounter this most frightening of atrocities!'

Bahamut became worried. (just worried, that's all, cause big dragons don't get frightened, nuh uh, never). 'What, what such thing could be so terrible?'

Yojimbo, taking his time to formulate the information in the most dramatic and attention grabbing way he could, finally proceeded to name the abomination that was stalking the plains of his homeland.

'Terry'


	3. Chapter 3

_**So, sorry about the lengthy wait, meant to have a chapter up every wee or two but school/work/god of war/girlfriend jumped in and demanded their alone time with me lol. But yeah, enough of my babbling, onto more wacky, strange and downright bizzare flabberwaggling from our favourite divine interventionists! :D**_

_**Chapter 3**_

The obsidian ruler of Summons continued to look at the legendary super ninja as if watching someone try to cut a plank of wood with a spoon.

'…...Terry...'

'Yes, master!' The virtuoso of shadow exclaimed again.

'…...who's Terry?'

'The chocolate orange, master'

'….Terry, the chocolate orange...'

'AHH!' He thrust his finger towards Bahamut, the motion filled with intense judgement, 'so you HAVE heard of him!'

Bahamut, rising slowly from his chair and dusting off the remains of the newspaper, moved to stand closer to the now clearly 'overstressed' warrior, and leant down till he was facing eye level with him.

'Yojimbo'

'Yes, master?'

'Those long, long years of service and war have treated you very badly. I think it's about time you have a nice, long, relaxing vacation, somewhere peaceful like Besaid Island, or sunny like Luca'

'But master, what of Terry? Who will deal with that most ghastly of creations? What kind of malicious and abhorrent god could even contemplate the fusion of the sickly sweetness of the orange and the oozing bitterness of chocolate! It's a sin against all that's right and good in the world! AND who better to tackle this demon than I, Yojimbo, legendary warrior of the 1,000 year struggle, glorious victor of the Cloud vs Squall fan war for the side of the LeonLovers! Majestic saviour of.'

'Okay, calm down, you're amazing, I know. So that's why I want you to take a while off, keep my best fighter in reserve for our 'darkest' hour.' At this point, Bahamut suddenly reared his large form back and roared and almighty round of laughter.

'..Master?'

The onslaught of dragon giggles continued, forcing the dark king rolling on to the floor clutching his sides as they seemed to nearly rip open in his humour.

'...Master is everything alright?'

'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! It's funny cause, eheeheeheeehahaha, Terrys' is dark chocolate and, looooool, it'd be our 'darkest' hour? XD

Yojimbo looked on worryingly at his master.

'Hehahahaha, what? Don't you get it? Hahaha, 'dark' chocolate? 'Darkest' hour? xDxD'

'…...Master, are you sure everything's alright?'

'Hehahaha...hehah...haha...ha...'

'…...'

Bahamut, now fully recovered, began fiddling absent mindedly with his talons. 'So, ahem, yes, I order you to take 200 years off to Besaid Island, all inclusive (except food, water, bedding, anything that costed money) and your vacation starts, hmm, now'

Quicker than lightening (just because he might be a little overweight doesn't mean he ain't still got the moves), Bahamut was round the other side of Yojimbo, bouncing him off his huge frame out the door, all the while spilling praises of how 'lovely Besaid is this time of year' and how 'amazing the fishing scene is, with some fish reportedly seen to grow to the size of a small country and able to fly across the sky!'.

'But master, what of..'

The legendary ultra warrior, despite having defeated 10,000,000 opponents before afternoon tea at the battle of Cloud vs Squall (there's a LOT of FF groupies out there), was simply no match against the Lord of Summons' 'extrusive' frame (i.e. his huge belly) as he was pushed along like a play thing to the monstrous overlord.

'Don't worry, I'll keep my very personal attention on everything and make sure nothing gets out of hand while you're away. Oh and can you bring me back a mug with Wakkas' face on it? He's the only one of the Besaid Aurochs I don't have, thank you!'

Thanks in part to his immense strength (but mainly his obesity), Bahamut had swiftly managed to shove and push his master assassin out of the study door, along the hall and down the staircase (568 steps) of the Grand Entrance Chamber (so named because every time someone would enter, they would be greeted to fireworks, flames, expensive gifts and Bahamut with an entourage of 500 extras performing his favourite Michael Jackson dance. No wonder the royal treasury was so low)

At last, finishing off his 'persuasion' of Yojimbos' thoughts about vacation, Bahamut opened the tall, ornate mahogany doors of the front of the castle, and 'gently' nudged him along his way outside.

'Now you have a good time alright? Pack light, sleep late, get drunk and generally do whatever else it is that...you...do :D'

'Master, I still think this is...'

'Oh by the way, Cloud rules'

'What?'

'BUHBYENOW! #SLAM#'

The chamber relaxed from the earlier release of exuberant energy. Bahamuts shoulders tensed, then sagged limply while he perforated the silence with a long, deep sigh. Peace and quiet, finally, were his. No more crazy, accident prone surfing summons, no more demented, over worked super soldiers destroying innocent newspapers and raving on about hell possessed chocolate treats. Bahamut could finally toddle back up to his study and enjoy the simple pleasure of polishing his Final Fantasy Memorabilia. The very best collection in the kingdom, he was proud to note (mainly because no one else collected them. Mainly because no one else COULD collect them because as king he had banned the gathering of such things so that no one could out shine his own collection. Equality, anyone?).

Just then, Bahamut caught sight of a small, peculiarly shaped silver object flying across the hall at the top of the stairs, straight into his study. This was followed immediately by a small, red dragon holding what seemed to be a remote control. The crimson blur speeding into his study appeared to be shouting something while a desperate look and shocked eyes occupied his face, but Bahamut didn't hear it. He didn't hear anything but an earth shattering roar and saw nothing but the outer walls of his 'favouritest' room exploding in a tornado of flames and concrete. Shards pinged off the surrounding area, including Bahamuts nigh indestructible hide, destroying countless priceless vases and paintings (his wifes' collection, so he didn't care), while the raging flames licked the roof black in its fury. A small, brightly coloured shard hit Bahamut in the head and dropped into his hand. Slow and deliberately, he peered down at the object laying in the middle of his huge talons. Tidus' cracked and scorched smile greeted his slowly realising eyes.

Until that moment, everything that had happened appeared in slow motion to him, as if he were shell shocked. Now, reality came back into full swing. With a vengeance.

If you've ever heard a bomb go off and thought there could be nothing else that could compare to it, you've never heard a dragon king scream have you?


End file.
